Regrets
by aBeautifulLiar
Summary: Quinn, Kurt, Rachel, Puck and Finn find it hard to move on after Glee, as they lose the ones they love and struggle with their own inner demons, they lose the battle and learn regrets are too hard to live with, but easy enough to die with.


__**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. As much as I would love to. **

**Credit has to go to Bleed Like Me - Garbage. **

_Avalanche is sullen and too thin, she starves herself to rid herself of sin. And the kick is so device when she sees bone beneath her skin._

She stares at the mirror in front of her, lifting up her top as tears glaze her eyes. She can't exactly remember when this happened – was it after her dad kicked her out? Maybe it was when she gave up Beth? Or maybe it was sometime after that... when Finn left her for Rachel, or when Puck rejected her, or when she left the Cheerio's. She didn't know _when_ but she knew that it had consumed her whole life.

She bit down on her lip and pinched at her stomach, tears running down her face. She was hurting, and nobody could see it. No one would take the time to look at her and really see that behind the walls, she was breaking. She spent her time observing others, she saw other people hurting and she wondered if maybe they could see her hurting as well.

Sectionals came, and went.. the same for Regionals and Nationals. It all passed in a blur as she continued to lose the weight she so desperately thought she needed to lose. Her time with Beth was gone, she had messed that up and she promised herself that she would make herself better, prettier, anything as long as she was _better _than Shelby. And better in her mind meant thinner, more in control, she needed to be better.

And then they had all graduated and she saw the hurt in her fellow Glee club members eyes as they said goodbye to their family, and she couldn't help but feel left out as she watched them all. In the end, they had all accepted each other – hell, even Rachel Berry found a boyfriend and a best friend in that club, and friendships that would probably last the girl a lifetime because that girl did nothing by halves.

But Quinn? Quinn had no one. She said goodbye, she hugged them, and she knew she would never see any of them again. She continued to starve herself, and she was known as that girl in college, a label she would never be able to live down no matter how much she tried. But that was it, she never did try. She continued, and even when she ended up in hospital, she didn't care. _I need to be thin. I need to be perfect. I need to be better. _

She was in her sophomore year when her heart felt as though it had been ripped out of her chest, she could feel her whole world going black as she collapsed and she knew that it was it, it was the end. She wondered what people could say about her life – she was a liar, a cheat, a manipulator, the girl who gave up her baby, the girl who tried to get back her baby in a horrible way, the girl who had no friends, she ex captain of a cheerleading squad that she hated, the girl who graduated and never spoke to anyone from high school ever again.

She wondered if anyone would turn up at her funeral – she could imagine Rachel there, tears in the girls eyes as she tried to tell herself that she did try and be the girls friend. And the thing that would hurt the most would be the girl was right, she had tried so hard to be a friend to the girl but Quinn had done nothing but pushed her away. It _hurt _and she knew why it hurt so much – she loved Rachel Berry, and it hurt the most to think she could have had something with the girl if it wasn't for her own stubbornness and the need to push everyone away.

At some point, she could have had Finn if she wanted to – she could have stayed in Lima with him if she hadn't had got drunk, maybe if he hadn't seen Rachel Berry, if she hadn't been attracted to Puck... they would have been happy, together and safe with two kids by now, married with successful jobs. But they would have been forever stuck in Lima and she knew neither would have been truly happy. Rachel pushed Finn to be better than he was, she held him back. He was her second biggest regret.

Her third biggest regret was giving up Beth – she always gave up the people she loved, the people she would end up needing. She realized this in her moment of death, as she thought about the little girl she could have been a wonderful mom to. It was horrible to think of, it felt like her heart had been stomped on when she thought of Beth.

Her fourth biggest regret was giving up Puck, she loved him (not as much as she had Rachel or Finn but she did love him, somewhere deep down) and she knew that at some point, they could have been happy together if they had been a family. But instead, a relationship would have been based on the fact that they had given their child to another person.

_Regrets; _they are funny things. She regretted so much, but she had never attempted to redeem herself. So instead, she hurt herself. She starved herself so she could feel like she controlled something – she controlled her life, she couldn't control her personality, or the need she had to push people away but she could control what she ate, how much she weighed, what the did with food, and exercise. That was something she could control.

And so when Quinn Fabray died at the age of nineteen – a few days before she turned twenty – she left with many regrets, too many regrets but she was finally free. And that's all those who loved her could think about. She was _free. _

_Painted like a brand new christmas toy, he's trying to figure out if he's a girl or he's a boy. _

He was an honorary girl – he told himself that too many time, he told many others the same thing and he honestly believed it. People kept trying to remind him that he was a boy and that just because he was gay, it didn't mean he had to act/think like a girl. But he had spent his life believing he was born in the wrong body, the wrong gender, and the feeling ached like nothing else when he got to college.

He had thought about it for a long time before, but the feeling never took over. But as he looked around at the friends he had made, and the old friends he kept, the feeling completely took over and he never knew what to do. Would he regret it if he made his decision? Or would he regret it when he was older if he never tried? He wasn't sure.

Regrets; they were _terrible _things. He was scared, terrified even, but he wanted to remain strong. He never spoke about his feelings, he thought about asking Rachel after finding out about her _issues, _but then he thought maybe he shouldn't compare. His best friend was hurting herself, but could she relate to feeling as though she didn't belong in this body? He wasn't too sure.

He thought about discussing it with Blaine, but when they broke up just before his first year at college ended, he didn't even want to see the boy anymore. He couldn't help but feel as though the other boy had picked up on his own gender insecurities, and he had never wanted anyone else to find out.

Finn was another choice – he was his brother, they had a secret understanding as he tried to help Finn through his own depression and he wanted to tell him that he honestly felt the same. Regrets eat you up, regrets take over your whole life and most days he finds himself wondering if this wife is even worth living if he can't live it to the full.

He loses Blaine, he loses Finn not too long after he loses his best friend and then he's alone. He's confused, he's lost, he's devastated, he's fed up of living his life on the edge – he just doesn't _belong _anywhere anymore.

And when Kurt Hummel dies at the age of twenty one, he goes with no regrets because for the first time, when he sees those he's lost.. he feels home, he finally feels as though be belongs in his body.

_She takes scissors to skin, and when she does, relief comes slipping in. She hides the scars she's made. - Rachel_

Rachel Barbara Berry was strong, she was the strongest girl many people knew because she never let the insults, or the hate get to her. She held her head high during every slushy, every insult, every bite about her two gay dads and every rejection from her mother. And she continues to hold her head high when people become jealous of her talent in college.

She hides it when she gets home of course, she never wanted to unleash her burden on others. She didn't tell Blaine that she was struggling, and every time she looked at Kurt, and saw him struggling with his own inner demons, she knew she couldn't burden it on him either. Finn was a choice once upon a time, but the distance became too heartbreaking as she found herself constantly wondering if he had found someone better than her, the insecurities became too much and eventually, he left.

She barely made it through her sophomore year of college, the start of the year started with brief cuts to her arms – not deep enough to leave scars, but enough to hurt. And she was fine with that for a while, but the release kept getting bigger and worse as the whole year continued and finally, by the end of the sophomore year, she found herself needing to cut more, and deeper.

One meaningless relationship after the other, one put down, one rejection after another and it all led to her finally breaking. She wished she could go back to high school, maybe even wish her parents had stopped her from having such big dreams as she stared down at her arms.

She was depressed, she was broken and she had no idea how to fix herself. She thought about Finn and how much she missed him and on more than one occasion, she found herself longing to go back to Lima, back into his arms because if she was truthful, she would say he was her dream. But she was too scared to admit she had failed, so she carried on hurting because it was better than admitting failure.

Through blurred vision, tears falling quickly down her face as she dug the blade deeper and deeper into her arm, finally cracking after news of Quinn's death took over her whole mind. She wanted to turn back time and push for a better friendship, she wanted to be there for the girl who was hurting as well but she couldn't, and she knew if she was given the chance she probably would have let the girl push her away all over again.

She felt the blood gushing from her arms as she carried on cutting herself as she thought about how happy and safe she had felt in Glee club. She couldn't move on from it, she had longed to be on Broadway, she had longed to be a star but it seemed too far away now she was out in the real world. She wanted Glee back, she wanted her friends back, she wanted Quinn to be alive, and she wanted Finn to be okay and she wanted him to hold her in his arms. But everyone and everything was gone, and she was all alone.

At the age of nineteen, Rachel Berry took her last breath as the blood gushed from her arms all over her bathroom floor. And she went with only two regrets – not being able to move on from Glee club and accepting reality, and for letting Finn go so easily. Two regrets that would have haunted her for the rest of her life.

_Dancing with the devils past, has never been too fun. It's better off than trying to take a bullet from a gun._

Puck stared down at the gun in his hand as he wiped the tears angrily from his eyes. Ever since Quinn had left for college, and he had messed things up with Shelby which resulted in him not being trusted to be around her or Beth anymore, he hadn't really seen a reason for living.

The reality hurt even more when he heard of Quinn's death, the mother of his child was dead, the first girl he had found himself falling for was gone forever and there was nothing he could do. He had seen her fading away, the moment she walked in through the doors of senior year, he had seen the Quinn he knew leave as she tried to get Beth back. She tried and she failed, and then she broke down even more.

He noticed her hurting, but he didn't do anything because he was too wrapped up in getting to know Beth (and Shelby, if he was honest with himself) and because he was too focused on his own dreams, and making something of himself so Beth would be proud of him. But he pushed his little 'crush' too far and he had ruined two relationships.

He stared down at the gun and shook his head, exactly one week after Quinn had died – she was too underweight, too much pressure on her heart, she had died alone and hurt and he had let that happen – Rachel was found on her bathroom floor. Finn had finally come to his senses, and had gone to New York to get her back (one year too late, in Puck's opinion) and he had found her laying there in her own blood. She was _dead _too and he had now lost three of the most important girls in his life – his baby, the mother of his baby and his American Jewish Princess. They were all gone and there was nothing he could do about it.

He held the gun to his mouth, tears running down his face. He was depressed, alone, and he was just one big mess. He had always been a fuck-up, **always, **and he knew it, everyone knew it and now everyone who he could have meant something to was gone. Quinn was gone, Beth was gone, Rachel was gone... _Finn was gone. _

It seemed to be a cycle – one week after Quinn had died, Rachel died, and then exactly three days after Rachel had died, Finn died. So, on the week anniversary of his best friends death, Puck took his own life. A simple gun shot, and he was gone.

_JT gets all fucked up in a karaoke bar, after two drinks he's a loser, after three drinks he's a star, getting all nostalgic as he sings 'I will survive'. _

He stared down at the drink he held in his hands, it had been this way since Rachel left but it gradually got worse. He was saying goodbye to his days, as they all blurred into one. And the drink completely took over his entire life. He missed her – he would admit it to everyone, and he couldn't believe he had ever let her go.

He regretted not following her to New York, even if he could just get a job out there, he would have been with her and it would have been perfect. He regretted the fact that he knew his brother was hurting, and he knew Rachel was hurting and he couldn't do anything about it because he was in Lima, Ohio and they were in New York. They were in the state of their dreams, but neither were happy.

Kurt had said goodbye to Blaine but Finn could see more to his brother than that – he knew there was so much more than just breaking up with his boyfriend, he knew there was some struggle within the boy that he couldn't tell exactly what it was. Nobody was.

And Rachel.. Rachel pushed everyone away. Last he heard of her, she was just showing up to classes, she had moved out from the apartment she shared with Kurt, and she was living on her own. She had stopped contacting him altogether and he knew something was wrong. He never thought he would lose her forever though.

But then here he was, staring down at the drink and the pills on the other side of him as he remembered seeing her lifeless body. He remembered seeing all the blood and he had cried, and he had begged her to come back to life but she hadn't. She was gone and he was nothing without her. He had been nothing for over a year and now she was gone forever.

He had regrets. He died because of those regrets at the age of twenty. But they were forgotten when he saw Rachel, he saw her smile and he saw the way she reached out for him. He was home again, and all those regrets were gone.


End file.
